


Deep Thoughts (about Talking Animals)

by JetpackMonkey



Category: Wonderfalls
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Motivational Speech, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Parody, Relationship Advice, Sunscreen Song, speech
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-11
Updated: 2005-06-11
Packaged: 2017-10-05 17:51:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JetpackMonkey/pseuds/JetpackMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An unusual sort of motivational speech from an entirely unmotivated person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deep Thoughts (about Talking Animals)

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen meme that was running around.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2005... listen to the talking animals.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, talking animals would be it. The long term benefits of listening to talking animals have been proven by the number of times I've been fucked over when I didn't, whereas the rest of my advice is no more reliable than my job attendance. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your 20something ennui. Never mind; you won't understand the power and beauty of your 20something ennui until you're actually stuck with a life. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at those times and recall in a way you won't get now how much lassez faire benefited you and how little actual effort you had to put out.

The guy in the trailer across from you is not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about fate; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as getting that damn wax lion to stop singing "Hello My Baby" while you're trying to sleep. The real effects of your actions are probably going to be crap that never crossed your mind; the kind that get you into a fistfight with some Southern bitch in a motel room at 10pm on some idle Friday.

Do one thing everyday that makes everybody question your sanity.

Drink.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't let them be reckless with yours. Even if it is your own damn fault.

Floss. I dunno, seems like a good idea.

Don't waste your time on blurb envy. Sometimes you've got five words, sometimes Sharon's got more. There's only so many, and ultimately, most of them go to your mother.

Remember that it all works out in the long run, forget that it hurts like hell at first; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, but make sure your brat son doesn't plagiarize them to lure a Russian bride under false pretenses. Actually, throw out the brat, if that's possible.

Get off your ass.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. Seriously, at 22, I didn't, and most of the 40 year olds I know who do are either boring or neurotic.

Get plenty of protein. Except from peanuts, if you're allergic.

Be kind to the hot bartender. You'll miss him when he's gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll catch her giving the bellhop head on your wedding night, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll end up sleeping in the back room of the bar you crawled into after it all disintegrated, maybe you'll renew your vows because the girl you're interested in is acting like a crazy person. Whatever you do, consider that the girl you really want might be doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. Your choices are half fate, but so are everybody else's.

Tolerate your employment, abuse it every way you can. Don't be afraid of being stuck there, or what the Mouthbreater thinks. It's the best place for a girl with no particular drive to earn money.

Have a pancake, even if you don't have anywhere else to do it but your parent's house.

Get her words out, even if they're not really her words.

Do NOT tell anybody about the voices. They will only make you feel crazy.

Get to know your parents, but not well enough to constitute an actual relationship. Be nice to your sister; you never know when you're going to need a lawyer.

Understand that friends come and go, but hold onto the one who works at The Barrel. Keep the gaps between you bridged and stuff, because the older you get, the more you need the people who can get you free drinks.

Live in Niagra Falls once, but leave.

Travel. Even if you have to assume the identity of your old rival.

Accept certain hard truths: the voices will be cryptic, brothers will taunt you with cow creamers, you too will get a life. And when they finally lock you up for being clinically insane and you're heavily sedated, you'll fantasize that the voices are clear and concise, your brother didn't even use the cow creamer, and that you live in an eternal state of non-commitment.

Respect the elders of the local Native American tribe. Especially the dead ones.

Don't expect anybody else to help you plan a premature high school reunion. Maybe you'll enlist the overeducated and unemployable Brown graduate, but you never know when she'll pour a drink down your dress.

Don't mess with the quarters in the fountain. For 25 cents, you can end up with an enormous fine.

Be careful whose advice you accept, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of stalling. Dispensing it is a way of waiting for the cops because somebody thinks you're going to kill him, except that you're really there because she's going to kill him, but you won't get what that means until you've already licked the lightswitch.

But trust me on the talking animals.


End file.
